“Pre-Martial” Counseling Is Not a Typo

“Hi, do you offer premarital counseling to engaged or soon-to-be engaged couples?” 

I love these emails! 



Of the many types of counseling encounters here at Philadelphia Renewal Network, premarital counseling often feels like a high point. Couples generally enter these conversations with enthusiasm, anticipating their exciting new life together. And even if there are some difficult issues to work through, the discussions tend to be relatively light, hopeful, and optimistic. 

“Yes, we offer pre-martial counseling to many couples!” I replied.

Of course, it was a typo. In fact, I’m sure that pre-martial would have autocorrected to pre-marital if I had left out the hyphen, which I will from now on. But it still made me laugh out loud when I read the sent email back to myself.

Come on, it’s funny. “Pre-martial” literally means “prior to war.” How funny would it be if premarital counseling was essentially just a series of conversations about preparing for war? Go ahead, laugh! It’s hilarious…right?

The truth is that all marriage counseling should be pre-martial counseling, for the simple reason that marriage counseling is not mainly about managing conflict. Your marriage counselor is not a sensei, teaching deflection skills to martial artists in preparation for combat. No, she is about the work of something much more foundational—something pre-martial. To be clear, marriage counseling is mainly about choreographing Christ-like love as you journey through life, so that there will be a context of mutual trust, fondness, admiration, and communion before and through conflict. And it is for all couples, whether or not they have already said their “I do’s”.

To be sure, wars will come. But even then, the pre-martial work remains before us. As you and your spouse explain the details of your gridlocked arguments, don’t be surprised if your marriage counselor isn’t primarily interested in the “who said what’s” and is often ambivalent about who was “right”. We don’t really want to be right anyway, do we? What we really want is to be close for the hours, days, and years that follow. (And when you do win a fight, as Tom Hanks once wrote to Meg Ryan, “remorse inevitably follows”.)

In order to be close, we need more than communication strategies that help us fight less. I can not fight with a stranger. I can even not fight with an enemy, ignoring them while hating them. 

We don’t just want the absence of a bad thing. Good marriage counseling is about the presence of what we do want…

We want reciprocal self-giving! 

We want rhythms of true encounter. 

We want communion with a spouse when we reach for them, when so many other relationships have kept us reaching. 



Ultimately, we want the kind of love that Christ spoke of, taught, lived out, commanded, and assured us of—experienced as much as possible within the marriage covenant. 

And so, love has to be our preparation and our process if it is to also be the hoped-for outcome at the end of a war, just as sure as Christ is the Way and not only the Truth and the Life.


So then. You’re getting married, huh? Go ahead and look into one of the many wonderful compatibility tools out there. Also turn over all of the rocks to test your agreement on issues like faith, spousal roles and responsibilities, family of origin, finances, sex, and communication. Go for it! It’s really valuable work. Just remember that it is entirely possible to do all of that good work without actually cultivating love. Personally, I am most interested in how you are serving one another (Gal. 5:13), forgiving one another (Eph. 4:32), building one another up (1 Thes 5:11), and in this way making your love increase and overflow for each other in your day-to-day lives (1 Thes 3:12). I mean, exactly how are you doing this?

But what about those of us who are married-at-war? Well, the Scripture passages above work just as well for you, too! And actually, contemporary marriage experts in the secular sphere are telling the same story. For example, The Gottman Institute famously conducted the most extensive study on marital health in history, and founded their “Sound Relationship House” theory on the conviction that productive conflict must be undergirded by rituals of loving connection that nurture a common fondness and admiration. Relatedly, Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy wrote, “We can come up with many techniques to address different aspects of couples’ distress, but until we understand the core principles that organize love relationships, we cannot really understand love’s problems or offer couples enduring help (Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, 34).” 



Think of this as a “common grace” affirmation of a biblical truth—love is the pre-martial counseling that we need.


Friends, don’t get me wrong—deescalation of conflict is important. Let’s get better at active listening. Let’s use “I statements” instead of “you statements” to get through those misunderstandings. And be assured that pretty much all we can do is tear each other down once our heart rates exceed 100bpm! But a good pre-martial counselor is choreographing love even when we are flooded with painful emotions:



Where are you, husband, behind all of this sadness protected by anger? And how can love reach you?

	

What would it cost you, wife, to share the history of rejection that came rushing back when you saw his eyes wander? And how can love wait patiently as you weigh that cost? 


How can you respond, spouse, to the other who just offered you these feelings — these fragile pieces of fine china — in hopes that they won’t shatter on the ground?


How can you and your current (or future) spouse learn to be lovingly attentive to the other, as God is for you? This is the work of pre-martial counseling, before and during marriage.

And when it’s there, I promise it’s a whole different fight.

In hope,

John

ps: We celebrate that there are many faithful and skilled marriage counselors in our region. We’re just honored to be among them. Always feel free to reach out to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists!

Counseling and Adjectives and the Supreme Relevance of Love

If you haven’t noticed, Christians like to put different adjectives in front of the word “counseling."

Biblical, Christian, and Pastoral are among the most popular, and all of them may be useful so long as we remember that in the context of counseling each adjective is more than a mere descriptor. For example, “Biblical Counseling” does not simply refer to a method of counseling that makes use of the Christian Scriptures—it is a technical phrase that articulates a set of priorities and philosophies, which set “Biblical Counseling” apart from “Christian Counseling.” (If you’re interested, here is a brief and fairly accurate summary of some similarities and differences between these two approaches.)

And then there are those precious, door-opening adjectives—“Licensed Professional” Counselor! This is the state-issued credential shared by most of my colleagues and pursued by associate counselors like me who are in the process of completing their supervision requirements while doing much of the same work.

Vocationally, I’m a man dancing between adjectives. 



But what do all of these adjectives really say about me, and about other counselors who seemingly collect descriptors and letters like so many pieces of flare? To be honest, they say a few very important things, but not the main thing.

First, a few very important things: The adjectives let you know a little about what you can expect from me in a counseling session: To what degree do I value Scripture as a guide for spiritual and psychosocial health and flourishing? To what extent do I value the techniques of secular psychology in approaching mental health issues? How might I make use of the DSM-V? What is a human being? What is the point of life, the universe, and everything? It really can go on ad infinitum…



The point is that your counselor’s frame of reference matters, and you should ask about it. If you don’t know the counselor yet, think of the adjectives as a shorthand map in your exploration. (And if you’re part of a trusted faith community, don’t forget to ask their direction as well.)

But there are many more things that these adjectives can never tell you, and this is the point of main concern: none of the adjectives tell you whether I will love you.

To be clear, in the context of counseling, love is not a transgression of professional boundaries. I will post more on this point later, but by “love” I am not referring to a feeling or a certain relational style.

In the Christian Scriptures, love is that often-described but never completely defined (because it is ultimately an ineffable energy of God) virtue that guides all of God’s interactions with humanity, and ideally orients and empowers all interpersonal encounters as well, to the extent that the Apostle Paul is moved to say, “(If I) have not love, I am nothing.”

A while back my friend Stephen Muse wrote a “Pastoral Counseling Epistle” for counselors like me, who are juggling theories and methods and ethics while also trying to maintain their soul. He was also writing as one who had spent over a dozen years pastoring a church before transitioning into counseling psychology, like I am doing right now.

His epistle is based on the above words of the apostle from 1 Corinthians 13. As you read it, ask, “What if you could expect this from a counselor?” What if (God help us) you could expect it from me?

"If I know the classical psychological theories well enough to pass my comps and can reformulate them in ways that can impress peer reviewers from the most prestigious journals, but have not the practical wisdom of love, I am only intrusive muzak soothing the ego while missing the heart.

And if I can read tea leaves, throw the bones and manipulate spirits so as to understand the mysteries of the universe and forecast the future with scientific precision, and if I have achieved a renaissance education in both the exoteric and esoteric sciences that would rival Faust and know the equation to convert the mass of mountains into psychic energy and back again, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I gain freedom from all my attachments and maintain constant alpha waves in my consciousness, showing perfect equanimity in all situations, ignoring every personal need and compulsively martyring myself for the glory of God, but this is not done freely from love, I have accomplished nothing.

Love is great-hearted and unselfish; love is not emotionally reactive, it does not seek to draw attention to itself.  Love does not accuse or compare.  It does not seek to serve itself at the expense of others.  Love does not take pleasure in other people's sufferings, but rejoices when the truth is revealed and meaningful life restored.  Love always bears reality as it is, extending mercy to all people in every situation.  Love is faithful in all things, is constantly hopeful and meets whatever comes with immovable forbearance and steadfastness.  Love never quits.

By contrast, prophecies give way before the infinite possibilities of eternity, and inspiration is as fleeting as a breath.  To the writing and reading of many books and learning more and more, there is no end, and yet whatever is known is never sufficient to live the Truth who is revealed to the world only in loving relationship.

When I was a beginning therapist, I thought a lot and anxiously tried to fix people in order to lower my own anxiety.  As I matured, my mind quieted and I stopped being so concerned with labels and techniques and began to realize that, in the mystery of attentive presence to others, the guest becomes the host in the presence of God.  In the hospitality of genuine encounter with the other, we come face to face with the mystery of God who is between us as both the One offered and the One who offers.

When all the theorizing and methodological squabbles have been addressed, there will still only be three things that are essential to pastoral counseling: faith, hope, and love.  When we abide in these, we each remain as well, without comprehending how, for the source and raison d'etre of all is Love."

- from Stephen Muse, When Hearts Become Flame

Dr. Ajabeyang Amin of PRN is About to Release Her New Book!

Have you ever begun to talk to someone and realized that you’re both from the same hometown? You immediately have a sense of connection with them—you “get” them to a certain extent, and they get you.

Dr. Ajabeyang Amin, a psychologist on our team here at PRN, uses this hometown example to describe the first time she saw a Black client after studying in a predominantly White school. She writes, “Her issues felt a little more personal; I actually felt my heart skip a beat at one point in the session. There is something about a shared lived experience that connects us with others.

In her new book Not Far From the Truth (releasing this month!), Dr. Amin tries to capture that sense of shared experiences. The book is comprised of ten fictional short stories about healing, faith, hope, and courage, all written in the form of conversations from the perspective of African immigrant characters.

The themes of the book overlap significantly with the focus of her blog, African Mind Healer, where Dr. Amin writes thoughtfully at the intersection of Christian faith, mental health, and African culture. 

Join the book release waitlist at ajabamin.com, and find out how to get your copy ASAP!

This story and more in our February newsletter, and discover more about PRN’s fascinating team of counselors and other mental health providers on our website.

What does it take to create a culture of mental health awareness?

What does it take to create a culture of mental health awareness in your church or organization?

The path may not be easy, but it doesn’t have to be complicated.

Jessica Cho Kim is a friend of Philadelphia Renewal Network and she helped her church (Grace Ministry NJ) participate in a mental health summit last year. Here she shares her church’s journey of learning to discuss and respond to mental health issues in their midst.

Their process:
1) Form a team of informed volunteers
2) Establish a support group
3) Create a local mental health directory
4) Support counseling for their members
5) Provide education and training

Does this fit your context?

At Phila Renewal Network, we’re standing by to talk more. But we can also get you in contact with Jessica! PRN member churches are often more than happy to share their struggles and victories with other churches and organizations.

Of Counseling and Rocket Boosters

Friends of Philadelphia Renewal Network,

My old mentor had an interesting illustration for the experience of receiving counseling: rocket boosters. You know, those two skinny rockets on either side of the shuttle that propel it out of the atmosphere before falling away, leaving the shuttle and crew to boldly go forward on their mission.

Now, of course, in most ways counseling is nothing like a rocket. A therapist generally does not launch you to new heights within a few seconds, and the sessions are (hopefully) not explosive experiences. But. If your church is the shuttle and you are among the crew, a faithful counselor can come alongside to offer strategic support to help you on your mission.

At PRN, we love what we do—connecting individuals and church communities to affordable, Gospel-centered mental health services—but we’re not the local church. We’re here to hasten the Church’s mission by tending to the health of her crew, and we hope to get better at that all the time. In fact, that’s why PRN hired me.

Hi! If we haven’t met, I’m John Alexander (yes, around here they call me the other “John A”). I’m a longtime Philadelphia pastor who, in addition to being PRN’s newest therapist, serves as Ministry Development Director to make sure that we’re seeing and serving you. To that end, in addition to our virtual and in person counseling and psychiatric services that are always available, I’ve posted our 2024 seminar series that we will bring straight to you. We’d love to visit your church or organization soon.

In the meantime, check out our January 2024 newsletter!

Steady as she goes,

John Alexander, MDiv, MTh
Therapist & Ministry Development Director