Five Questions to Ask Before a Separation (for Church Leaders)
Marital separations are happening in your church. They may be quiet, in-house separations, hardly noticed by the spouses themselves as they slowly grow more distant from one another. But your church has likely seen formal, out-of-house separations as well. These separations are painful and confusing, not only for the spouses and children in the household, but also for the churches that seek to care for them. And since care coordination with churches is at the heart of PRN’s counseling and psychiatric practice, we want to equip church leaders to walk with these families as faithfully as possible.
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A separation of quiet emotional distance can become a formal separation very fast, often in response to a sudden revelation within the marriage. Mark Laaser of Faithful and True Ministries called these “reactive separations.” For example, when one spouse’s marital infidelity has been revealed, the other may ask them to sleep in a separate bedroom, or to leave the house altogether. Afterward, either or both parties may be flooded with pain, fear, shame, anger, and sometimes exhaustion, while simultaneously facing overwhelming logistical questions:
Where will we each live?
How will we pay for the related costs?
How will this impact the kids?
These are just some of the questions that immediately occur to the spouses and their supporters. But there are other questions that, while feeling less urgent, are important to consider if the separation will end up being a redemptive one. Below are five under-considered questions for churches to ask as they prepare to walk with a separating family.
1. What is the goal of the separation?
If either or both spouses are unsafe, then safety becomes the urgent goal above all others. But most of the time a couple will benefit from thinking carefully about what purpose the separation will serve. Ideally, a separation happens in order to strengthen the marriage by focusing on the individual growth of each spouse for a time. Relatedly, a separation may be a necessary opportunity to focus on conflict deescalation, the sobriety of one of the spouses, or reestablishing trust after a betrayal.
In times of adversity we reflexively think of how to get relief from distress. But we don’t just want the absence of a negative thing; we want the presence of a good thing. Clear goals can help us realize this.
2. Does each spouse have an advocate?
Churches have an understandable tendency to aid the spouse who seems most vulnerable. But there are many reasons to ensure that each spouse has a dedicated support person, or advocate. One spouse will often be presented as “the offender” and the other as “the offended”— and sometimes this is an accurate assessment. But even then, both spouses need care.The church is sometimes called to be a court (1 Corinthians 6:4-6), and she is certainly called to be a refuge (Psalm 27:4-5). But we believe she can simultaneously function as a hospital for sinners (Luke 5:29-32).
The advocate’s job is not to choose the side of one spouse, over against the other. The advocate’s job is simply to know the spouse in their need, their sin, and their suffering, and assure them that they are not alone or unseen. Every living person needs this, especially in a crisis.
3. How long will it last?
Of course there is no hard and fast rule on this. On the one hand, if the seriousness of the situation merits a separation, it should not be too short. But an open ended separation without any timeline can make it difficult to make plans in the short- and medium-term. A three month separation is often a wise starting point, especially if one or both spouses are working toward serious goals. This provides relief from marital pain while also providing an opportunity for individual growth. At the 60-day point, the spouses and their supporters might begin to assess the possibilities of either reunion or continued separation.
4. What will communication look like?
This requires caution. Some communication will likely be important, especially since there will be logistical questions related to finances and child care. But emotional conversations (including casual texts like, “How are you?”) should be avoided at first. Sharing vulnerable emotion is good, even necessary; but separating couples have often experienced damaging cycles of conflict that make it temporarily unwise to practice vulnerability. There first needs to be a rest and a reset.
Ideally, there will be scheduled times for deeper conversations about how each spouse is faring, their progression toward individual health, their hopes, etc. But these conversations should not be spontaneous or casual—at least not at the beginning. Many separated couples have these conversations in the context of ongoing pastoral care and marriage counseling, which should happen consistently throughout the separation, assuming that it is safe to do so. As the family moves toward reintegration, conversations usually become more frequent and casual, but even then, the nature of welcome communication should be discussed along the way.
5. Who will support the caregivers?
Pastor, you’re going to need support. Walking closely with a separated couple is a beautiful expression of congregational care. But it is difficult work. As church leaders journey with the family, they are pulled in multiple directions — their love for all members of the separated family, their theology of marriage and desire to be faithful ministers of Christ, the inquiries from other church members who inevitably take sides, the need to maintain a faithful degree of confidentiality about the details…and the list goes on. It is no time to swim alone when you’re in waters this deep. Begin by identifying other friends, colleagues, or denominational supervisors who can offer guidance and support.
And of course, we’re here for you as well! Please feel free to reach out to us for a free consultation if we can be of any help to you at all.
With gratitude for your dedication and care,
John Alexander & Esther Lee, on behalf of the PRN team
