Impulse Control as Communion
For Christians, change is an act of communion.
Let’s say, for instance, that you want to stop screaming at your kids. You should consider using some impulse control strategies taught by secular psychologists—sensory grounding exercises, breathing strategies, visualizations, etc. But there are limited benefits to using these strategies on your own in the face of life’s storms. For the Christian, each of these strategies can be an instance of drawing near to God.
In his decades of counseling experience, PRN counselor Jeff Stark has focused on “the art of drawing near to God.” It can happen in countless situations using countless interventions. But if it’s not happening somehow, we’ve lost the plot.
We spoke with Jeff ahead of our next What Do I Do? Session on Wed. 5/28 @ 11am, which will focus on Impulse Control. We hope you’ll join us for that virtual meeting, in which we will touch on many of the spiritual, emotional, physiological and neurological factors that influence impulse control.
For now, read on to learn more about Jeff through this recent interview he gave with John Alexander, PRN’s Ministry Development Director.
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John: Jeff, you often cite the New Testament passages that describe the “location of the heart.” For instance, Jesus warns those who “honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me (Mark 7:6).” And James promises, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you (James 4:8).” You consistently come back to these points in counseling. Tell us more.
Jeff: The Scriptures tell us that the heart can change location. In approaching God, we can begin with prayer, telling Him what's in our hearts. But even if we do pray about a situation, most of us don’t walk with God into and through our difficulties in real time. That is the foundational work of change. In my work, everything builds on this—the heart can change location!
John: So “drawing near” is a matter of prayer, but not a prayer that we pray in the morning and leave behind. It’s a matter of attention in the moment. It’s a matter of being attentive to my need in the moment, and also attentive to the One who can bring me through that moment.
Jeff: Yes. It’s a present awareness of the grace I need and the God who is with me to provide it. How many times has this happened: I come into church really anxious and distraught, but when I leave, I am in peace—the call to worship, the songs, the sermon, the Lord’s supper, the prayers all draw my heart into the presence of the Lord. My heart has changed location! But by the time I get to the car, I am yelling at my kids again. It’s a matter of training the heart to draw near and to remain near and extend my attention.
John: You might know that one of the basic exercises in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is commonly used with people who struggle with impulse control, is an exercise called REST, which stands for Relax, Evaluate, Set an intention, and Take action. It’s basically an attention exercise: “What is happening? What are my values? What do my values lead me to do in this moment?” And I think the assumption in DBT is that this is a conversation that you have with yourself. But shouldn’t these be questions that we bring to Him? “God, where is my heart in this moment? God, what do you have to do with what is happening in this moment? God, where are you leading me in this moment?” This comes to mind for me when I hear you talking about “drawing near.”
Jeff: Yes. And wouldn’t it be great if we could live there all the time and our hearts had that kind of attention! But I wonder if we can begin with those moments that we know tend to be most charged and difficult for us. When you’re coming home from work for example, knowing that there might be household needs but things from work are still swirling in your mind. Here’s one concrete way to do this: let’s say a client is getting very angry at his kids, maybe yelling and cursing at them. I’ll say, “Can you go back to yesterday and try to re-experience that moment? You’re walking into the room, you’re noticing yourself getting angry…but imagine that you stop and take an extended moment to draw near to God, trusting in Him. Do you think you would respond differently?” And then we slowly imagine doing it in the future and do it again and again.
John: It’s funny. That’s another strategy used in a lot of different therapies — imaginal exposure — putting yourself in your own shoes in a key moment and feeling yourself endure it differently. But again, it tends to be practiced on one’s own, like we’re just drawing near to ourselves. You have us drawing near to God and leaning into Him.
Jeff: Yes, leaning into God and also learning to wait on God. It doesn’t all change in a moment, but our anger level will begin to slowly go down and our joy level will slowly go up. This is Him fulfilling His promise — if we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us, and He will provide divine resources.
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To connect with Jeff, or any of our other PRN therapists reach out to us today!
