The Limits of Control: Boundaries, Part 4

Have you ever watched someone abandon their faith…or maybe just entertain a strange doctrine?

Has a loved one become politically radicalized…or maybe just supported a few policies that you find indefensible?

Has a friend separated themselves from you…or simply distanced themselves?

Has your grown child embraced a destructive romantic relationship…or maybe just ignored a few red flags?

You’re not alone. Many others have been there, too. And among the many situations we’ve surveyed in our fall series on boundaries, these may be the toughest to navigate. When a key relationship is threatened, we want to reach out. We want to warn them. We want them to come back to health, or to God. We want them to come back to us. But those who have lived through these scenarios may also recognize a dangerous temptation that lurks behind the desire to reconnect: the desire to control.

Very few of us actually plan to control others. So how does it happen? In our experience, it often begins with an expectation for relational closeness, agreement, or submission, which then spirals into insisting or demanding. Below are a few contexts where this commonly happens, along with some ideas for containing boundaries that can minimize the risk of it happening in our families and churches.

1. When we try to persuade someone (politically or religiously). It is a blessed thing to rally for cultural change or to share our faith with others. But do you find yourself unable to tolerate someone’s decision not to align with you? Just how intolerable is that feeling? What actions and words flow from it?


As illustrated in September, the human heart is a throne, and every person must decide who sits on theirs. Whenever bids for agreement turn into insults, demands, or threats, you have climbed up on another’s throne, which will damage both of you. Climb down. Once you do, you’ll find that new conversations may be possible.

2. When we pastor or lead other people. The phrase “spiritual abuse” has often been repeated in recent years. But what is it, really? Michael Kruger helpfully defines spiritual abuse as the wielding of spiritual authority “in such a way that (a leader) manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him, as a means of accomplishing what he takes to be biblical and/or spiritual goals.”



Spiritual abuse is not the exercise of God-given authority to bless what God blesses and warn against what God forbids. But manipulation and domineering is another story. A leader may begin with good intentions—to keep a person from sin, for example. But a pastor is never called to obey for another, or to take away their sacred freedom to choose how they will relate to God. There may be consequences that flow from an individual’s choice. (Are there ever not?) But the choice is theirs. 



Pastors, stay off the throne of your people’s hearts. You can appeal to their throne like a prophet, but it is theirs to give to Christ, or to another, or to keep for themselves. 


3. When we parent. Children need parental instruction, authority, and healthy modeling. But they simultaneously need parents to honor the freedom of their hearts.



Parents may have control over when a child goes to bed, what they eat, their church attendance, and their participation in various family functions. Parents are also called to train their child’s heart (Prov. 22:6), and even warn of the deceit within their heart (Jer. 17:9). But the child will choose what to do with their heart, and to whom they will entrust it. Children have a way of growing up into adults. And if somehow they grow up not knowing that their heart is theirs to do with as they please, that will lead to many other various dysfunctions.

Parents, do you know that your child’s heart is not your own?

Are you preparing your child to protect their heart as uniquely their own? 


How will we behave if our children don’t grant us access to their hearts for a time? 


How can we bring these painful experiences to God, recognizing the blessed limits of our control?

Friends, knowing that your heart is your own, may you ever give it to Christ, also remembering every person’s privilege and responsibility to do the same.

In hope,

John Alexander, on behalf of the PRN Team.

ps: As we end this series on Faithful Boundaries, feel free to keep the conversation going! Reach out any time to see how our team can help you navigate these issues, over phone call or a cup of coffee for starters.