Boundaries As Worship

You’re 45 years old and your mother calls you regularly just to make sure you are eating enough vegetables and getting to bed on time. At this point you don’t even want to pick up the phone for her. What is a loving-but-exhausted child to do?

Your neighbor (of the opposite gender) knocks on your door late in the evening, asks to come inside, and proceeds to talk to you about intimate details of his/her troubled marriage. You are alone and uncomfortable with the conversation, but you feel burdened for your neighbor’s pain. What does Christian hospitality dictate?

Imagine sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with your uncle, who uses the meal as an opportunity to challenge your political views even though you have tried to change the subject several times. We read that love “bears all things.” Even this?

We call these boundary issues. And although we navigate them constantly, they are frequently misunderstood in the Church. On the one hand, some conceptualize boundaries as cutting off, as in, “You are out of my life if you negatively impact me.” Actually, most boundaries serve to preserve relationships (though cutoffs may be necessary in extreme situations). On the other hand, some Christians are altogether skeptical on the issue: Should there really be boundaries on our love for others? Christ didn’t have boundaries, did He? After all, He literally loved us to the point of death.

To clarify, here is a helpful definition of boundaries from Jan Bergstrom:

“Boundaries define what we will and won’t allow in respect to our different relationships. We might not hesitate to discipline our own child, but we’d be crossing a boundary if we disciplined someone else’s child. We might not think twice about giving an expensive or personal gift to someone we love but giving an expensive or personal gift to someone we’ve just met would be crossing a social boundary…A limit, on the other hand, is not something so flexible. It’s the line of unacceptable behaviors we impose on ourselves and on others. If it’s our child, we set limits as to what they can and cannot do, before having consequences enforced. If it’s a spouse, we set limits as to what we will and won’t put up with before we’re heading to a couples therapist for help.”

Relationships are begging for boundaries. And you likely have them, even if they’re not clearly stated. The question is whether those boundaries are faithful and healthy. How can we know? Well, here are some principles to begin with.

1. Boundaries Are Worship

We tend to make one of two errors with boundaries — we base them on our own whims, or allow others to determine them for us. Both errors miss the fact that relationships are gifts from God that we are called to steward faithfully. So, healthy boundaries begin with the question, “How does this relationship fit in with God’s purpose for my life?”

Christ’s own relational boundaries were informed by this question. Sometimes He allowed Himself to be inconvenienced by others, like when he agreed to journey to Jairus’ house, or when he accepted a teaching opportunity on His day off. But just as often, Christ disappointed His friends and followers. Remember when he refused to let Himself be appointed king, or when He chose to arrive at Bethany after Lazarus died? The Father’s glory and mission determined Christ’s ‘yes’ and ‘no’, His proximity and distance, His speech and silence.

Even when Christ allowed Himself to be killed, it was in line with His confident sense of God’s mission for His life. Christ did not voluntarily suffer in just any way that pleased His enemies. He had boundaries. Yes, His love was limitless, but His relational decisions were subject to His faithfulness to the Father, whose redemptive plan is love, defined and delivered.  

So, first things first. Ask how in God’s providence this relationship came to you in the first place, and how it might demonstrate God’s glory. It is remarkable how quickly this consideration can improve some relational boundaries and limits…

2. Boundaries Are Hard Work

…but sometimes it’s still not clear.

Consider the uncle in the introductory scenario. What is an appropriate boundary, after you’ve named the issue and tried to change the subject? Does it glorify God for you to tolerate repeated swipes at your integrity? You can forgive him, but do you need to stay in the chair? And if so, how long? 


I don’t know whether you should stay in the chair. In your discernment, I would point you to all the wisdom literature in the Bible (and to the Torah, the narratives, the prophets, and the epistles!). The Spirit also uses prayer and mentors to guide us in these decisions. I can imagine good or bad reasons to stay seated — I can’t be sure in your case. But I am sure that the choice is not your uncle’s. And if I know Thanksgiving uncles, he’ll be happy to test whatever boundary you end up choosing.

Boundaries are hard work because we need discernment and wisdom to choose them, and then we need fortitude to live them out. How many times has God used boundary issues as opportunities for our sanctification? The work is hard, but worth it. And you do not work alone.

3. Boundaries May Change

As a young pastor, a mentor provided me with a grid for relational priorities: God first, wife second, kids third, congregants/neighbors fourth. In general, I like this grid. It has often helped me create relational boundaries that protect my various callings, and there’s a memorable simplicity to it. But as they say, simple ain’t easy.

For instance, it is true that my marriage grounds the relationship with my kids — I am ‘one flesh’ with my wife alone, and our unity platforms our parenting work. But this relational priority is expressed in different ways in different seasons. Depending on what’s happening in our home, sometimes the kids get more clock time than my wife does. Similarly, crises in the lives of  congregants occasionally prompted a “boundary flex.”  

We expand discussion topics with our kids as they grow (until they eventually move out). Wounded friends reconcile and trust can be restored. New betrayals occur. Emergencies pop up. And of course, our boundaries simply fail. 



That’s when we return to #1 above, and we get re-drafting.

Friends, we are only scratching the surface of this massive issue, and many caveats and related topics must also be considered. That is why PRN is spending the entire fall season focusing on the issue of boundaries — in our monthly newsletters but also in our monthly What Do I Do? Sessions, which relaunch for the fall (more on this below!) on Monday 9/22 at 7pm. In the meantime, please always feel free to reach out with your comments and questions.

In hope, on behalf of the PRN team,

John Alexander