More Than a Shield: Boundaries, Part 2
This fall PRN is focusing on the important topic of “boundaries.” Essentially, boundaries define the nature of a relationship and also what we choose to receive and share within that relationship. In last month’s newsletter we emphasized that relational boundaries are ultimately expressions of worship, meaning that we choose boundaries on the basis of God’s will for a given relationship.
This month, let’s focus on a controlling illustration that will serve us for all our remaining discussions of boundaries. One popular illustration is a shield. The idea is that we can raise or lower our “boundary shield” depending on the health of a relationship and on our personal wellbeing and capacity.
A shield is a helpful image, but it shouldn’t be our primary illustration, for two reasons:
First of all, boundaries are not just about what we let in; they’re also about what we let out. We have “protective boundaries” for what we choose to receive from others, and “containing boundaries” for what we choose to offer others. We’ll discuss the former today and the latter in subsequent months.
Secondly, A shield communicates a sense of defensiveness or even combativeness, and though protective boundaries certainly shield us, that is not their primary function. Boundaries are more foundationally about authority, which is why I prefer the illustration of a throne.
In college I was part of a campus ministry group called Campus Crusade for Christ, now known as Cru. Years ago they produced a famous booklet called the four spiritual laws as a tool for sharing the Gospel with students. The booklet ends with images of two thrones, each representing the human heart (see above). One image pictures a heart with “self” on the throne; the other image pictures a heart-throne that is yielded to Christ…
Cru did not have the topic of boundaries in mind. But their throne illustration captures the wisdom of protective boundaries: every heart has a throne, and every person gets to choose who sits on theirs. All of our boundary-related decisions flow from this principle.
Think about it…
You can sit on your throne yourself.
You can yield your throne to Christ.
You can yield your throne to a parent, or to a spouse, or to a pastor, or to your child, or to some worthy cause, or to a demon, or to anyone who may try to persuade you that your throne belongs to them.
But make no mistake: you decide who gets to sit on your throne. You even decide how close another can get to the throne, and whether they are permitted in the throne room at all. This is true even for the multitudes who have had external freedoms taken away and had their bodies controlled by others. From Pharaoh’s Egypt to the Middle Passage to the Gulag to the New Day Drop In Center, we receive testimonies that the heart-throne may remain free, even in contexts of unspeakable oppression.
Moreover, we maintain control of the throne even when we voluntarily yield a type of authority to another in a given context. For instance, if you choose to exercise submission to a church or government leader, boss, spouse, parent, coach, peer, or a whole congregation — it remains your choice whether to yield it or continue yielding it.
As a Christian, I personally believe that the best thing one can do with the throne is to yield its authority entirely to Christ, as in the Cru image above. But even then, don’t we often take it back, each time we knowingly sin against Him? And doesn’t He continually forgive us for this? I suggest that we can understand much of our sanctification process as a struggle to continually surrender our throne, which we committed to Christ at our baptism.
The point is that I continue to choose what to do with my heart-throne, in all of these relationships. In fact, I decide daily who sits on my throne, and my protective boundaries serve that decision. And how many of us decide wisely?
As with many other things in life, we tend to make one of two mistakes when it comes to the ‘throne management’ that we’ve been discussing: too much, or not enough. In other words, some of us let no one get anywhere near our throne; others choose to let everyone sit on it except themselves. In closing, here are some thoughts for those of us who tend to crowd either of these poles.
First, a word for those who surrender their throne too easily:
Friend, do you know that your heart is yours? Others may continually tell you what to do with your freedoms. Some may even manipulate your faith, reminding you that Christ commands you to lay down your life for others. While that is true — God often asks you to sacrifice as an expression of loving communion with Him — it is also possible that you are reflexively sacrificing yourself out of the belief that you are worth less than others. “Love” is not necessarily giving over your body to be burned. It may just be living out a script that you learned along ago from people who were pleased to occupy your heart-throne. So, the next time you hear a command from the throne, consider who is really sitting there. And just maybe, practice saying, ‘no’.
Now a word for those who keep others miles from the throne:
Friend, do you know that your heart-throne is for communion? First of all, this happens when you let your Creator and Redeemer get close enough to you — even indwell you — to guide you into fullness of joy. Secondly, it happens when you risk letting others get close enough to encourage, challenge, and love you. Can you let others get a little closer while being vigilant to keep them off of your throne? Taking a measured risk in this area will also let you get close enough to love others back, which we have on good authority is quite rewarding. And yes, communion will sometimes involve making the free choice to submit to others in love, as long as that choice is yours. If we never yield submission to others, it is difficult to imagine how we can be functional human beings, to say nothing of faithful Christians (Eph 5:21). If you can believe all that, just consider taking a risk today and practice saying, ‘yes’.
In closing, as I said last month, boundaries are hard. But they’re worth it. And if you need the support, please consider joining us at our monthly What Do I Do? Sessions. The next one is TONIGHT, Monday 9/22 @ 7pm. Email me directly for the link.
Friends, it’s your ‘yes’ and ‘no’ because it’s your throne. Choose wisely who sits upon it.
In Christ,
John Alexander, on behalf of the PRN team.
